Mercutio's Diary


This was originally written as a project for school, way back in Grade Ten English. We had to choose a character from the part of Romeo and Juliet we'd just finished, and write a diary entry on the bit from their point of view. I chose Mercutio, who ranks high on my list of Favorite Literary Characters. This was the result. My English teacher read it in front of the class. Her introduction:

"I was really impressed with the stuff you guys handed in. There were some romantic Romeo diaries, some beautiful Juliet pieces, and this one incredibly irreverant Mercutio thing."

It is pretty irreverant, and it's likely to offend many people. Please keep in mind, if you choose to read it, that I don't mean a word of it. It's taking on a character, you know? You write something, you take on a character. That's what I've done here.

Oh hell. Romeo's onto the whole love thing again. To tell you the truth, it's getting kind of annoying. Every pretty girl he sees he thinks he's in love with. Damn, he's driving me crazy! It's always, "She's so beautiful, Mercutio" and "Just look at her, Mercutio", and always in that over-dramatized voice he uses for this sort of thing. It's making me sick! Honestly, he's out of his mind. I still like him and all, but I really don't get this part of him. Not the finding girls pretty part, that is. Hell, I do that! I've got nothing against pretty girls - in fact, I'm quite fond of them - but the way he's always going on about them is sick. Especially this Rosaline girl, or whatever her name was. The poor guy's obsessed with her. For the past three weeks, it's been nothing but Rosaline! "Rosaline's so pretty", "Rosaline's got such a nice face", "Rosaline won't let me have sex with her". Come on, Romeo, if she won't have sex with you, DUMP HER! That's what I keep telling him, but he won't listen. He's crazy. Really, he is. Like tonight, he was telling me all about this 'life changing dream' he had, or something like that. He actually believed there was some sort of truth in it! He's so love-struck, he's stupid. Everyone knows that dreams have nothing to do with the future! All they are is entertainment. Ask any parent, they'll tell you that dreams come from the Fairy Queen, who hands them out maliciously. That's what my mother told me when I was even younger than Romeo.

We went to this party that fat old Capulet was putting on after that, and it was okay. Lots of girls. I didn't mind that part at all. There was this one really nice one there who let me play around with her. We snuck off to this room, and started having a lot of fun! I forget what her name was, but she was pretty. Blonde, too. I like blondes. They don't seem to be as smart as brunettes, so they'll let me do more stuff. This one let me talk at her, too. I like that. I told her my Queen Mab thing, and she believed me. Not like that Romeo. I kind of wish I could remember her name, now. She wouldn't be so bad, as far as the sex part goes. It was fun, with her.

After the party, me and Benvolio went looking for Romeo, who'd disappeared somewhere along the line, but he ran away from us. Maybe he was going to visit Rosaline or something. I saw her at the party, but I don't think he talked to her. Unless it was when I was off with that blonde... Who knows? Benvolio thought he saw him sneak away over a wall or something, but that doesn't sound like Romeo to me. Unless it was Rosaline he was going to see. I don't know. I've got a pretty bad hangover right now, so I'm not thinking straight. Maybe I'll know better by this afternoon. Since we couldn't find Romeo, and things are kind of boring without him, me and Benvolio parted ways. After that, I just went home and slept until around nine. I was pretty drunk, so it was easy getting to sleep.

---- Mercutio